I am currently 11 years, 3 months and 22 days give or take a few hours,
into a life prison sentence. (Don’t feel too bad, I basically deserve it.)In these
11 years, 3 months and 22 days, I have endured the absolute worst that the
I.D.O.C. has to offer. Until recently, I
was considered one of the worst of the worst inmates in I.D.O.C., so maybe they
felt justified in my treatment. Never the less, through my years of endurance I’ve
had the chance to witness first hand, just how destructive the prison systems
psychological warfare tactics, like isolation, can be on the human mind. Let
me begin by telling my story so you can better understand what I’m saying.
On February 28, 2004, I smoked PCP for the first time. On February 29,
2004 I woke up on my friends couch with blood all over me. My panic only
increased when I saw that same friend lying motionless on the floor in a pool
of blood. In a state of utter confusion and blind panic I ran out of the
apartment, and found my way home. Less than 12 hours later I was in police
custody. I was a petty criminal, constantly in trouble, but Id never done
anything that could prepare me for this. Upon being taken into custody I was
interrogated for three days, during which I was not allowed to sleep. Then I
was taken to the county jail where I was “booked” in. My visibly confused and
upset condition was interpreted as “suicidal”, so I was put in a strip cell.
For those of you who don’t know what a “strip cell” is, allow me to enlighten you.

The only good part of being found guilty, was that my time in the strip
cell came to an end. I was sent to prison and my mind eventually began to
operate for what passed as “normal”. I had been exposed to numerous horrors
that would shock even hardened individuals, but I’m grateful, in ways for my
experience. For one, there is nothing that this prison system can do to me that
I haven’t already survived. There is comfort in that. Secondly, if you were
thinking that my treatment was illegal in America, you’d be right. I filed a
lawsuit, which was settled for an amount that allowed me to live a little more
comfortable here in prison. I also forced the jail to install an actual toilet
in the strip cell, provide a mattress and some form of clothing. Small comfort
knowing I made them do that. Overall, I was lucky. My mind was not lost for
good. Changed, most definitely, but there nonetheless. I have seen men who are
not so lucky. Don’t believe for one second that my situation is unique. There
are men right now, as you read this, cutting themselves or eating feces. I know
a man who, after everything he could cut himself with was confiscated; he began
biting chunks-CHUNKS- out of his flesh. He swallowed the chunks. Another man
cut his penis off. Another shoved ink pens- yes, plural, as in multiple ink
pens- into his urethra. Guys swallow spoons. One guy cut a hole in his stomach
and pulled a length of his intestines out. Reading this you’re thinking these
guys have razor blades or something like that. No. They use sharpened staples.
Sharpen the clasp from a legal envelope. It takes them DAYS to cut
themselves. Can you imagine, cutting a body part OFF with a staple over days
time? Most recently I watched a man with
a smile on his face, jump backwards off the 5th story landing to his
death. It took him 18 hours to die.
I have a
theory. The idea of rehabilitation is based on behavior modification. The
problem is the methods used by I.D.O.C are arcane. The only reward in prison
for modifying your behavior, successfully is to NOT get punished. Those
of us do positively modify our behavior are still punished because prisons in
and of itself is punishment. Unfortunately, the prison systems idea of
punishment is to demoralize and dehumanize us on a daily basis. They use psychological
manipulation to achieve their goals. When playing with people’s minds, you
gotta expect it’s not always going to go as planned. But, as they say, you
gotta break a few eggs to make an omelet. Their favorite response and ONLY
answer to mental breakdown is heavy medication. That is because the only other
option is to STOP doing what they’re doing. The handful of us who go crazy, cut
our “parts” off, or kill ourselves are considered collateral damage.
Our only real defense is to recognize these tactics for what they are-
Tactics. There is a reason that the “48 Laws of Power” and “The Art of War” are
books banned by the I.D.O.C. Once you become AWARE of WHY the
tactics are used, they lose power. In other words, you can’t drown a fish. They
are actively preventing us from growing gills so that the fear of drowning
keeps us compliant. I’ve learned to breathe under water and kept my sanity.