Condition of Human

I am struggling. This hope is causing me to question everything. I think back to when I was sentenced to spend the rest of my life in prison. The prosecutor said something to the effect that my victim had no hope so why should I have any? I wonder if those were the words of Rachel's family, or something the prosecutor has said over and over to have a desired impact. I wonder if I agree. To an extent I think I do. I feel extremely guilty for having  a website, for posting blogs, for feeling even an ounce of hope. I have to look at things from a certain angle to justify my posts.

On one hand, I feel it is extremely disrespectful for me to try so hard to have my voice heard outside these prison walls. I feel like every time I dare to reach beyond these walls, or feel an ounce of of joy, or hope, its a slap in the face of the very people I've wronged. I know I caused an  entire family pain, an enormous amount of pain, and if I was in their shoes I'm not sure I'd want me to do anything but sit and think on what I did. Suffer. But that's the catch 22 for me. The remorse I feel for my reckless actions is so deep, so all consuming, that words cant even begin to describe how I feel. The fact that I do have such remorse and not only see, but FEEL , the consequences of my actions let me know that I am more than this sentence. That knowledge is what allows me to push through the feelings of guilt and remorse to feel that ounce of hope, to strive to have my voice heard. Because I know I can't bring Rachel back. I SHOULD think about what I did. I SHOULD suffer in the knowledge of what I've done. But the reality is that being in prison for life does not cause me to feel that guilt or remorse. I will feel that every day for the rest of my life no matter where I'm at. And knowing that I CAN give back to society, knowing that I can somehow atone for what I've done is what allows me to deal with any feelings of guilt I have...it does not alleviate that guilt, however. I just had to make a choice. Do I choose to atone for my mistake by adhering to the prosecutor and possibly the family of the victims wishes for me to rot, hopeless, in a box, contributing nothing to society, to become a number while millions are spent in tax dollars to keep me alive.~or~ Do I try to atone by living the rest of my life trying to make up for my mistake. Trying to somehow make a positive impact on society. There was a tine when I would have chosen the former. There was a time in my mid twenties when I couldn't see past the present. My immaturity only allowed me to consider my own selfish goals, I didn't care about myself or anyone around me. That immaturity led me down a dark path that affected everyone around me and only time, wisdom and maturity has let me begin to see myself clearly. Those things lead me to a lighter path where I am able to love myself and those around me unselfishly. It has been a long and painful journey, but I've learned countless lessons and in the process I've transformed from a child to a man.

Please listen to my next words very carefully. These words are for all of society and shouldn't be discounted easily. I am not rotting. I am alive. I am living. I am living everyday with the mission of helping anyone around me be a better person, I am living by trying to show the world how to have and feel compassion. I am present in the life of my child. I am striving to be a better man. I am striving to make a positive impact on the world. I am striving to be a productive part of the society that cast me aside. And I am STILL drowning in remorse. I STILL wake up everyday thinking about the life I took. The mother I took. The sister I took. The daughter I took. I STILL feel the full weight of the pain I caused. Prison does not stop or enhance any of these feelings. I do not feel more remorse because I'm in prison. No prison or person can force me to feel empathy. I feel empathy because I am human. I. AM. HUMAN.