Matthew Davis Stateville Correctional Center
This is a strange time of year for me. February 29th marked the 12th anniversary of my arrest for murder. Something strange happens to me around this time every year and for the longest time I didn't even know it was happening. What happens is that I lose interest in almost everything positive in my life and I fall into melancholy. In these weeks I feel the full weight of my guilt, I feel like, due to my unforgivable mistake, I do not deserve to have anything good in my life so I unconsciously become lax in anything positive I've got going on. My loved ones usually suffer the effects the most by my unexplained distance.
It's only been the last couple of years that I've actually been able to put a label on what I feel. Guilt. I don't like feeling this way even though I know I SHOULD. Guilt. Shame. Overwhelming sadness. Confusion. Regret above all. I think about all I've gone through these past twelve years...the torture, beatings, and other indignities at the hands of the police...The years of isolation... My child knowing another man as "dad"... The pain I see on my families face...The horrible things I've witnessed... It's all taken a toll. I know that to some people all of that is not enough pain or punishment and in fact, NO amount of pain or punishment will ever be enough. I wonder what's the point? If no amount of suffering is enough to atone, will anything be enough?
I wonder... If I had not been caught... If I had been so affected by what happened that I spent the next 50 years, the rest of my life, working with children, the homeless, at risk youths, anything, just giving of myself without gain or expectation, would that be enough? If I then confessed on my deathbed, would I be viewed as evil, unworthy of love or happiness?
I say all of this because I am surrounded by wasted human lives. I live in a cesspool of suffering and NO GOOD COMES FROM IT! Longer, tougher sentences do not deter or reduce crime. Making someone suffer every indignity known does not bring anyone back to life. It does not make society better or safer. It does not make anyone truly feel better. BUT what if I was given the opportunity to actually serve society?
I'm not suggesting that I be let out of prison tomorrow or even ten years from now. I need to be punished for my reckless actions. I abused drugs and alcohol and the worst happened. I took a life. I SHOULD be punished. I SHOULD suffer. I SHOULD feel guilt and shame. But I should feel all of that for a PURPOSE. My purpose in life has become to use all I've suffered to keep the next person from making the same mistakes.
That is the future I dream of when my guilt and shame force me into submission. That thought gives me the hope to push through and FIGHT towards my purpose.
Matt
Matt I just rezd this and I agree with you - EVERYONE has a purpose and people who end up in jail have a big purpose to warn others not to make the same mistakes. THe idea of punishment for making mistakes in life, no matter how horrible, does not make sense to me. We all make mistakes. It makes more sense to give people the tools they need to transform themselves and then go out and warn others. In your case warning youth not to use drugs would be valuable. Drugs impair our ability to think clearly. I believe all prisoners should have bible, guitars and a kitten in solitary. we need those to develop a relationship with God. The purpose of music is to worship God which invokes his presence, and then he speaks to us and heals us. I spent 8 months in solitary without a bible, instrument. it was hell. The demons had authority to speak to me since I did not have a bible. Bibles bring God's presence. I beliv all prisoners should be given one to protect their mental health - not having one is cruel and unusual punishment, god and demons both speak to all of us in our thoughts. The word inspiration means a spirit goes into it. THe book of James ch 3 says there is wisdom from above and below. THe Holy spirit can teach us to play an instrument. Jesus said nothing is impossible with God. there is always hope with God. I went to music school, where people go into little rooms the size of jail cells and commune with God. It is a taste of heaven. I have written a VISION for Transformation of the Criminal Justice System which puts forth these ideas. It is on my website 1prophetspeaks.com
ReplyDeleteI want governors to do this by executive order. People should not have a record when they get out it puts curses on a person spiritually that makes them be reaccused and re-sin. When you sing to God the demons flee. drown them out. Demons cause negative thoughts. god's spirit bring peace. Jesus was the atonement for our sins. All people can be forgiven by asking for Jesus forgiveness; then we have inner peace. We need to ask to be filled with the Holy Spirit. this gives use inner peace. When I was praying & demons attacked my mind God told me to ignore them; sometimes he said REBUKE (to avoid curses being thrown on me). A person in solitary spends their energy mentally ; - this is training to be a powerful prayer intercessor. I am super telepathic from this experience. I think things - people hear me. so I think those who find themselv in this situation have been called by God to be prayer intercessors. You are named after a disciple of Jesus - the book of Matthew was written to the Jews. so you would also have a ministry to Jews. All former prisoners should be substitute teachers - warn the kids not to use drugs, do other crimes. I want the governors to change everyone's sentence to 1 year to give them time to read a bible and lernhow to pray, and then do community service - go to schools as a sub and talk to kids. This would be so much more valuable then having them rot in jail.
ReplyDeletethe bible tells us god is with us no matter where we are - he can hear us in hell too. and everone In solitary knows they are in hell. but it does not have to be that bad . I want to turn prisons into schools of ministry and solitary into music school. Only a musician would think of this. I ALS WROTE A BOOK FREE ON MY WEBSITE - THE PRISONER'S HANDBOOK - GOD'S HELP FOR THOSE IN SOLITARY AND JAIL.
ReplyDeleteI DONT KNOW IF YOU HAVE ACCESS TO IT. I WANT ALL PRISONERS TO BE GIVEN A KING JAMES BIBLE, GUITAR, MY BOOK AND A KITTEN IF POSSIBLE IN SOLITARY. A PERSON WHO HAS KILLED HAS A POWERFUL MINISTRY TO OTHERS. they WILL SAY - IF GOD CAN FORGIVE HIM THEN HE CAN FORGIVE ME TOO. wE ALL MAKE MISTAKES IN LIFE. LIFE IS SCHOOL. WE SHOULD BE ASKING PRISONERS TO WRITE A MEMOIR AND TELL US WHAT THEY LEARNED. KEEP WRITING. IT IS VALUABLE TO OTHERS. WE ARE ALL GOD'S CHILDREN. I AM USING SOME OF WHAT YOU WROTE IN THIS BLOG ABOUT WANTING TO BE USED TO HELP OTHERS AS A WITNESS TO WHAT I say in my book. I will ask governors and the president to pardon you and others This is the will of God. Jesus is all about forgiveness. meanwhile you can have a ministry to others in jail about jesus and forgiveness. God sends believers into jails to preach to the others. God can use all of us where we are at. so be encouraged - you have a purpose everywhere. Your life is not wasted. ask for the holy spirit. Jesus said unless we are born again we will not go to heaven being born again means being filled with the holy spirit.